Do You Enable?

By Brian Maloney

We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keen
ability to recognize any and all of them. However, when
we become so accustomed and engrossed in them, how do
we know we are enabling someone elseís negative

It can be sometimes difficult to come to this realization,
because it is has been such a seemingly normal way of life
for a designated period of time.

Characteristics that you accept and are willing to ignore in
your interpersonal relationships that yield dark
consequences, somehow put the offender you enable high
upon a pedestal, while you struggle to remain vertical.


You will surrender your values when you enable someone
else to practice their ill-fated behaviors, because you fear
some form of backlash, whether it be distance, abuse, living
up to their great expectations, or upsetting their seedy

Your future is tied directly to theirs, your self-progression
is like shadows that block the sun, yet you seem to
continually turn your face to reality, only to enable another

You are not worthy!

Much of our lives we are consciously or sub-consciously
injected via family, friends, society, or self, that we are
simply not equal to others and consequently not worth as
much as others are.

This false assumption is reinforced by the behaviors we
enable and allow. Therefore, the cycle comes full circle
constantly until it is broken....and you are the only one who
can break it!


One day in the future, you receive a magical key that
unlocks the doors and the cuffs that bind your hands
together. The sun beams effortlessly across an icy blue sky,
the birds are more audible, your purpose and focus
suddenly have more clarity then ever before. You have
reached your personal nirvana!

That place in the future is not that far off and that key
resides inside you!

This is especially true, as long as you can understand that
not condoning their behaviors is the only way out.

This means that their next drinking binge and you calling
their work the following morning, only to lie about their
inability to show up, or defending your kidsí actions when
they are obviously wrong, has to stop!

You are worthy and your self respect will generate inner
strength to confront this and any other demons that cast
long shadows onto your life.

Asking yourself in your most logical voice if it is a healthy
behavior you are allowing, will bring you the answers you
seek. Subsequently, understanding that you as the enabler is
as unhealthy as the enablee is an excellent place to start a
discontinuation of enabling. Although what do you do with
the person you are enabling after you realize this?


You do have them, and exercising them would be your
immanent next step. You can express you displeasure that
these behaviors have gone unnoticed for too long and that
it is detrimentally affecting the relationship, so it therefore
must stop!

Moreover, you can verbalize this in a heart to heart
discussion, and in understanding the need for your personal
mental health, give them an overdue ultimatum.

Separating yourself from this environment should be
indicated if: You receive a flat-out no in your attempts to
let them know that the enabling is going to discontinue and
their behavior is, also. If they refuse to receive any type of
treatment for their problems or addictions. If the effect of
their negative behavior is obviously polluting any children.

Note: When children are in the picture, normal and
unaffected, much thought must be given before breaking up
their home and often should be put off until they leave the
comforts of home.

This may sound like living in an internal prison, however,
the health of any child must be paramount! A sacrifice for
the betterment of any children cannot be overstated.

In addition, it would inevitably yield the relationship more
time to mend, as you continue your attempts to work on
eliminating your enabling, and assisting your partnerís
problematic behaviors to discontinue.

The main point to understand is that enabling someone to
cyclically delve into their poor behaviors and addictions
must be recognized with your own clarity and logic; then
immediately discontinued in order for you and your
relationship to maintain itís health.

So ask yourself, is enabling worth it?....Undoubtedly you
will come to the realization, it is most definitely not.

--by Brian
Want to improve your personal values?
Get high-quality-relationship advice
from a 'Logical' standpoint.

**Attn Ezine editors / Site Owners**
Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety
in your ezine or on your website as long as
you leave all links in place, do not modify
the content and include our resource box
as listed above.
Copyright © 2005; by All rights reserved
ValuePreps Home